Sonic Adventure 2 Abridged
by Zeru-Chan
Summary: An "abridged version" of Sonic Adventure 2. Eggman finds the Ultimate Lifeform, Shadow, who wants to destroy the "damn planet" and there our story begins... Chaos will spread, pairings will appear and Eggman is an idiot. Will they all survive? Will this become an actually abridged series? (I doubt it will) "EGGMAN! YOU RUINED MY CHANCE TO GET A GIRLFRIEND!" - Shadow
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! My friend and I are both Sonic (mostly Shadow) fans and we love abridged series. We're planning on doing one (but we suck at using computers, soooo...) and then this suddenly appear in my crazy mind! SONIC ADVENTURE 2 (BATTLE) ABRIDGED! **

**Sonic: It's more like a parody...**

**SHUT UP! DO THE DISCLAIMER!**

**Sonic: Zeru-Chan doesn't not own me or my franchise.**

* * *

_"Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Security breach at Gate 3! Intruder has been located in the north quadrent and is moving in the direction of the underground base! All units prepare to engage. Emergency battle formations! Standard battle- You know what? Fuck this! Just get the goddamn intruder!"_

The intruder, who is none other than Doctor Fatas- I mean Doctor Eggman, is shooting and laughing.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M EVIL! Now, let's see what my insane yet awesome grandfather created... a top secret military weapon! The military shut down the research because they feared it! Who am I talking too?!" The strange eggshaped man says as he jumps down something. He's now standing before a gate which opens after three green lights start to blink.

"OH HO! So this is the military's super-duper-mega-awesome-ultra-smexy weapon? It's smaller than I expected... Enter user data... enter password... Password is Shad-Ri-A! Shadria! Now I just need to place the Chaos Emerald into this console." Then he jumps down to the place where the weapon is supposed to be and waits... and waits... and waits...

"GODDAMN IT! WHY WON'T THE WEAPON APPEAR?!" Just as he say those words, something shots up from the floor. And out of it came...

"SONIC?! WHY ARE YOU HERE?! WHERE IS THE WEAPON?! Wait... you are not Sonic! You're too badass to be him!" the Doctor yells.

"My name is Shadow. Since you were _so kind _to release me, my master. I will destroy this damn planet," the Sonic lookalike said with a BADASS-SMEXY-AWESOME voice.

"WHAT?!"

"Just ignore that, I'll help you take over the world or somethin'. Now, I will defeat a guard robot... OFF SCREEN!" the black hedgehog says as he FLIES!

* * *

"So... you're my grandfather's top secret weapon?"

"No, I'm the next ruler of some black aliens that aren't black. OF COURSE I'M THE WEAPON! ARE YOU STUPID?!"

"I HAVE AN IQ OF THREE HUNDRED!"

"Like the hell I care. Anyways, I can help you take over this damn planet if you bring more Chaos Emeralds. I will be waiting for you in the Space Colony ARK. Oh, and look up where Maria is buried, I wanna visit her grave."

"She doesn't have one..."

"... Just another reason to obliterate* this piece of junk they call Earth."

* * *

"Even though he called me stupid, I can't resist the promise of world domination! Now, let's watch TV!" Eggman walks to his "TV screen".

_"Important news. Someone stole a Chaos Emerald and it's Sonic the Hedgehog in disguise. There's no other explanation," _the reporter on the "TV" says. They show the picture of...

"Are they stupid? It's Shadow for God's sake! Wait... THIS IS PERFECT! PEOPLE WILL GO AFTER SONIC AND PUT HIM INTO JAIL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now, let's go steal the Master Emerald."

* * *

On Radical Highway...

"YOU HUMANS SUCK! ALL I DID WAS STEALING A CHAOS EMERALD AND YOU TRY TO CATCH ME?! YOU HYPOCRITES! YOU SHOULD USE THIS TIME TO TRACK DOWN RAPISTS, MURDERERS, PEDOPHILES AND STUFF LIKE THAT! FUCK YOU ALL! YOU ARE PATHETIC, ALL OF YOU!"

_Shadow is running... someone is shouting "Find them before they escape!"... and a girl is panting..._

_And he sees the girl... _

_"MARIA! MY LOVE!"_

_"Shadow... I beg of you... I... love you... as a brother... please make the people happy. Sayonara... Shadow the Hedgehog," Maria says before the capsule he is inside is shot into space._

"Maria... I know I promised to make the people of this planet happy... BUT I CANNOT IGNORE THE DEATH OF MY WAS-TO-BE GIRLFRIEND! I PROMISE YOU REVENGE!"

* * *

Inside a helicopter...

"Yes, sir. We've got the hedgehog. He denies knowing anything about the robbery or the stolen Chaos Emerald. Wait... I think he's escaping... Oh, I'm supposed to stop him? Sorry, sir, I didn't know! STOP THE HEDGEHOG!"

_**SPINDASH SOUNDS!**_

The blue hedgehog is outside the helicopter, holding onto... something...

"Sorry guys, but I don't like it when people eat my chilidogs," he says and jumped unto the helicopters, takes a... snowboard (?!) and jumps down.

"SEE YA LATER, SUCKERS!"

* * *

At the ruins of Angel Island, aka the Island of the SUPER-MEGA-GREEN-ROCK-OF-AWESOMENESS...

Two Mobians are fighting/arguing/HAVING A LOVER'S SPAT/whatever over the SUPER-MEGA-GREEN-ROCK-OF-AWESOMENESS!

"It's mine, damnit!" the red... err... "echidna"/cat** says.

"I don't see your name on it." THE BAT USED"I DON'T SEE YOUR NAME ON IT"!

"... Well... IT'S STILL MINE! I'VE BEEN GUARDING THE SUPER-MEGA-GREEN-ROCK-OF-AWESOMENESS FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE!" It's... somewhat effective...

"That doesn't make it yours."

"IT'S MY SORTA-KINDA-GIRLFRIEND SO IT'S MINE!"

"... You have some serious problems..."

"Don't you think I kno- OH MY GOD! THE SUPER-MEGA-GREEN-ROCK-OF-AWESOMENESS CAN FLY!***"

"No, you knucklehead, I'm just stealing it," Doctor Fatas- I mean, Doctor Eggman explains.

"EGGMAN!"

"So that's Doctor Robotnik? Now I get why people call him Eggman."

"Oh shut up and let me steal the Master Emerald in peace." Knuckles growls.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL MY GIRLFRIEND SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS THAT!?" he yells as he flies/glides towards the SUPER-MEGA-GREEN-ROCK-OF-AWESOMENESS and breaks it into pieces.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" the bat (Rouge) screams and starts shaking the poor cat, I mean echidna. "HOW COULD YOU DESTROY SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL?! ANSWER ME, YOU MURDERER!"

Unfortunately, he can't answer the bat's "question" because he was screaming.

"Well, damn, seems like I have to take over the planet without the Master Emerald," Eggman says as he flies away.

"I SAID ANSWER ME, YOU GEM MURDERER!"

"Relax, if I get all the pieces of the SUPER-MEGA-ROCK-OF-AWESOMENESS I can fix it," Knuckles told the white bat.

"Oh really? Well, WHO CARES?! I'M GONNA FIND THE PIECES OF THE SHINY GEM AND ADMIRE THEM FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

"Not before I get 'em, bat-girl!"

"OH JUST KISS ALREADY!"

"SHUT UP, FANGIRL!" both Mobians shout.

* * *

*** I don't know how to spell it *sweat drop***

**** Funny fact, my brother thought Knuckles was a cat until he learned he was an echidna**

***** Reference to "Knuckles the Echidna can fly" by shadow759**

**And that's it! The first chapter! I edited it though since I forgot the scene with Shadow on Radical Highway. Anyways... Shadow... DO THE OUTRO!**

**Shadow: ... please review and tell Zeru-Chan what you think of this crap.**


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO IS HERE! YAHOO!**

**Shadow: ...**

**Ultimate Badass, do the disclaimer!**

**Shadow: Zeru-Chan does not own Sonic the Hedgehog, or me for the matter.**

* * *

Sonic is panting... for some reason...

_'I hate my life. I have to defeat robots and stuff all the time and now the cops are chasing me! I ALMOST GOT KILLED BY A DRUNK DRIVER! AND A ROBOT TRIED TO KILL ME! WHY DOES NOBODY LOVE ME?!'_

"Yo, asshole!"

"FUCK OFF!" Sonic turns his head to see a black hedgehog, who looks WAY PAST COOL and SUPER-DUPER-GIGA-MEGA-ULTIMATE-SMEXY-BADASS!

"Is that how you talk to your elders? You're supposed to treat me with respect, damnit! Anyways, why do you look like me?"

"The question is, why do _YOU _look like _ME!?_"

"It's the other way around."

"NO IT'S NOT, YOU FAKER!"

"Faker? Dude, I'm fifty years old!"

"... Why do you have that Chaos Emerald?"

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

"Wait... YOU'RE THE REASON WHY THE COPS ARE CHASING ME! DAMN YOU FOR RUINING MY DAY!" The blue hedgehog runs towards the black one who throws the Chaos Emerald into the air and shouts "CHAOS CONTROL" as he catches it. He then "runs" so fast that Sonic can't catch him, and THAT is something.

"DA FUCK?! I'm NOT the Fastest Thing Alive?! Wait, he must be using the Chaos Emerald to warp! That's the only explanation since I'm the FASTEST THING ALIVE!"

"My name is Shadow, I'm the world's one and only Ultimate Lifeform. I'm here to destroy the planet with the help of the Seven Chaos Emeralds! And the fat idiot. And now... FAREWELL!" Shadow used CHAOS CONTROL! It's super effective!

"Shadow..."

"FREEZE!"

"YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!"

* * *

On the ARK... and no, it isn't the ARK from the Bible!

"Where the hell is that fat idiot?! I've been waiting for HOURS!" a certain black and red hedgehog says. "I swear, that fatass is just as useful as a filler episode! He's gonna be number one on my to-kill list."

"What are you talking 'bout, Shadow?" said "fatass" asks, appearing out of nowhere as if he was Espio the Chameleon or something.

"NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! AND WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!"

"Weelll..."

**_(INSERT A FLASHBACK OF EGGMAN GOING THROUGH LOST COLONY)_**

"It took you **_FIVE_** hours to complete that stage? Dude, a kid can complete it in like five **_MINUTES_**!"

"Did you just-"

"Yes, I just broke the Fourth Wall, but who cares? I'm Shadow the Hedgehog, the Ultimate Badass!"

"Soooo... why have you brought me here, Shadow?"

"You see, the ARK was the first Space Colony built by mankind. It was also SUPPOSED to be a research facility for things that would help the world or whatever, I don't really remember. But instead of making useless things like medicine against cancer, they made useful things like weapons of massdestruction, and me of course. My creator, Gerald Robotnik, made the Eclipse Cannon, a weapon capable of destroying a planet! To reactivate the cannon, we need the Chaos Emeralds," Shadow explains as he throws the green emerald (it sounds so weird to write that) into... whatever it is... I SUCK AT MY JOB AS A NARRATOR!

"So my grandfather made a cannon that can destroy a planet?! AWESOME!"

"Wait, Gerald's your grandfather?! THAT MAKES YOU RELATED TO MARIA! NOW I CAN'T KILL YOU! DAMN IT ALL!"

"WHAT?!"

"Nevermind. Anyways, like I said, we need the Chaos Emeralds to reactivate the cannon."

"Then it sounds like you'll need my help."

The villain and anti-hero look up to see a white bat... WITH BIG BREATS! Oww... you didn't have to hit me, Miss Author...

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE*?!" the Ultimate Badass asks/yells.

"I'm Rouge the Bat, treasure hunter extraordinarie. I specialize in all kinds of jewels. I'll help you find the Emeralds... and maybe the one that the echidna destroyed," she explains, not even looking at Shadow.

"You still haven't told me how you got here," Shadow points out.

"I simply followed the Doctor. Anyways, do you wants my help or not?"

"NO! YOU DIDN'T EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHILE ANSWERING MY QUESTION!"

"I have to agree with Shadow, that was very disrespectful of you, Rouge."

"I have a Chaos Emerald and I know where you can find more."

"Deal!" the Doctor says.

* * *

On Prison Island... which for some reason has a jungle... or whatever...

"So there's three Chaos Emeralds on this island? How did you know that, Rouge?" the Doctor asks the white bat.

"My jewel senses... they were tingling..."

"That's just stupid."

"Stop bullying the super hero bat, Shadow! Anyways, here's the plan, I distract the guards and plant this bomb, Rouge, you look after the Emeralds and you... err... you Shadow... you can just go kill people."

"Sounds good to me! Bye, fatass!" Shadow runs off and Eggman runs... err... his machine runs after him.

"Damnit, Shadow! We have to go and kill the guards at the entrance first!"

* * *

Outside Prison Island... ... how the heck can you be outside an island? Seriously! Anyways, a yellow fox with two tails is flying a BLUE-PLANE-THAT-IS-SUPER-DUPER-AMAZING-AWESOME... this joke is stupid, I'll just call it the blue plane of blueness.

"So that's Prison Island where Sonic's prisoned? Well, damn, even if he escaped, he wouldn't be able to do something since the island is surrounded by water, like every other island! I have to save him! And hopefully, I'll get my own game!" the kitsune says. But unfortunately, the reason why Sonic is in jail (aka THE ULTIMATE BADASS) will get his own game instead...

* * *

On Prison Island... I'm sooo gonna get another job, 'cause being a narrator sucks!

"Well... that wasn't so bloody as I thought it would be," Doctor Fatas- I man Doctor Eggman says.

"You know... I have this strange feeling as if my life will change drastically," Shadow says just as he's HUGGED FROM BEHIND BY A PINK CREATURE WITH A RED DRESS! LE GASP!

"Oh, Sonic! I finally found you!"

"Err... my name is Shadow, not Sonic... but you can continue hugging me, I haven't had a hug in fifty years." Amy releases the hedgehog and backs away.

"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry for mistaking you for Sonic! But what did you mean by "not having a hug in fifty years?""

"I could explain it over a romantic dinner... that is if you aren't too busy, of course!"

"I wouldn't mind."

_'OH MY GOD! SHE'S CUTE, NICE AND WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH ME! I'M IN LOVE WITH HER!'_

"Fuck, it's Amy," Fatman says.

"Eggman? What are you doing here?"

"Go away or I'll shoot you."

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" The pink hedgehog runs away and Shadow tries to stop his newfound love... but to no avail.

"Thank god, she's gone. She's so annoying," Eggman says, not knowing that he's dug his own grave.

"DOCTOR!" Shadow is surrounded by a red aura and looks pissed as hell**.

"What?"

"YOU JUST RUINED MY CHANCE TO GET A GIRLFRIEND! SO YOU BETTER GO AND APOLOGIZE TO HER, OR ELSE I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!"

"But-"

Shadow takes out a machine gun...

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! I'LL GO AND APOLOGIZE! HAPPY?! BUT YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO YOUR STUFF WHILE I DO IT, OKAY?!"

"As long as you don't rape, hurt, blackmail, humiliate, threaten or kill my soulmate. And don't you DARE make fun of her! Or me! Got that, you fatass idiot?"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." The fat doctor's Eggwalker (or whatever, I SUCK AT MY JOB!) walks him to the girl while Shadow and Rouge goes OFFSCREEN! _'Instead of just apologizing, I can kidnap her and give her to Shadow! He'll never consider killing me if I do that!'_

"Oh no, I can't get anywhere!" Amy says.

"That makes my job easier," Doctor Fatas- I mean Doctor Eggman says.

Up in the sky, Tails the Ninetails sees what is happening! TAILS THE NINETAILS, I CHOOSE YOU! Ouch! Miss Author... why do you always hit me? WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?

"Oh no! Amy's in trouble! Tornado transformation!" The blue plane of blueness transforms into... A BATTLE MACHINE THINGY!

"Tails!" Amy says cheerfully. "You came to save me!"

"Only because I'm a good guy, 'kay?" The yellow fox turns to Eggman. "So, let's fight!"

"You're gonna lose like the loser you are, Miles."

"DON'T CALL ME MILES, ROBUTTNIK!"

* * *

*** Am I the only one wondering how Rouge got on the ARK?**

**** OH SHIT! SHADOW IS ABOUT TO USE CHAOS BLAST!**

**Did you like the chapter? Did you NOT like the chapter? Why? Please tell me through the reviews. Reviews make me feel happy! **

**Narrator: I DEMAND A PAY RAISE!**

***punches the narrator* FUCK NO!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Back with another chapter! This one is kinda short... but anyways, Amy, do the disclaimer!**

**Amy: Zeru-Chan does not own me or the anything else you recognize in this story.**

* * *

"And that's what happens when you mess with me!" Tails says after the fight.

"Err... did you two just... play rock-paper-scissors?" the pink hedgehogette of FANGIRLNESS asks.

"Yes, we did," the Nineta- I mean yellow kitsune says.

"But why?"

"Because we don't have Duel Disks*, duh!" the fat egg shaped man says. "And now... farwell! Forever... since this island will blow up and stuff..."

The fatass walks away... like a boss...

"WE HAVE TO FIND SONIC FAST OR HE'LL DIE!"

"DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THIS?!"

* * *

The hot chick- I mean hot bat- I mean white bat, is in a vault...

_"Rouge, you have to find the Emeralds as quick as possible! The bomb will go off in like fifteen minutes!"_

"Don't worry, doc, I can do it in five minutes flat!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Sonic is stuck in a cell...

"I hate this place! No TV, no games, no comic books, no internet, no chilidogs... AND NOT ENOUGH SPACE! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO MOVE IN SUCH A SMALL PLACE?!" the blue hedgehog says/yells/whines/complains.

"Would you shut up? You're giving me a headache," Amy says as she falls down from the ceiling (like a boss).

"AMY! MAH BEST BUD! GET ME OUTTA HERE AND I SWEAR I'LL DATE YA!"

"Naah, I don't know... you're probably lying and as soon as I let you out, you'll just run away..."

"DO IT!"

"Alright, alright, no need to be so angry," the PINK CREATURE OF DOOM says as she uses a card to open the cell.

"YES! I'M FREE!"

"Oh yeah, and I forgot to tell you that the island is gonna blow up and..." When the girl turns around, the FASTEST THING ALIVE~... was gone...

"I FREAKING KNEW IT!"

* * *

_"Rouge, do you have the Emeralds?"_

"Yeah, but... I have a little problem..."

_"THEN DO SOMETHING! I CAN'T HELP YOU!"_

"I so hate you, Doctor."

* * *

Shadow is walking the through the jungle... or forest... or whatever it is!

_'I really hope the Doctor is nice to the gorgeous pinkette... OR ELSE I'M GONNA KILL HIM! But enough of thinking about that... what should I do now? I already killed all the guards, made the survivors choke on Sonic '06 discs AND broke the fourth wall! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!' _"Man, I really wish I had a coke..."

_"This is Rouge... I'm stuck in the vault, with the Emeralds! SOMEBODY COME AND SAVE ME!" _Rouge's voice yells from the walky-talky.

"NO! LAST CHAPTER, YOU IGNORED ME! NOBODY IGNORES ME! GOT IT?!"

_"JUST HELP ME!"_

"NEVAAAAAAAH!"

_"Shadow, help her!" _a vision of Maria says.

"No! She ignored me!"

_"Do it and I'll forgive you for groping me."_

"I'M COMING, BAT-GIRL!" Shadow yells as he runs off.

* * *

In the forest/jungle...

Sonic the Hedgehog aka THE FASTEST THING ALIVE~ falls down unto the ground... you know what? After this parody/abridged shit is done, I'm quitting my job as a narrator. IT SUCKS!

"My god, finally free! Wait, why am I here? Well... IT DOESN'T MATTER! NOW WHAT HAPPENS! I WILL NEVER, GIVE UP THE FIGHT! LONG AS-"

"Shut up! Everyone knows that I have more fangirls then you! And my theme songs are more badass," Shadow says, standing on a log/tree/branch/whatever!

"HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY SINGING!"

"You call that singing? Dude, that sounded like dying frogs with a bad throat!"

"I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL! IF I WIN, YOU'LL ADMIT YOU'RE A LOSER AND IF YOU WIN... ... ... I'll admit my singing is bad."

"How many Yugioh references are going to appear in this shit?!"

"Are you saying you don't like Yugioh?"

"Nope, just saying the references are boring."

"FIGHT ME OR DIE, EMO!"

Shadow is surrounded by a red aura.

"I. AM. NOT. EMO!"

"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure, and I'm Egghead's niece's daughter."

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

_***A FEW MOMENTS LATER!***_

"Who... *pant*... who won?" Sonic asks.

"I dunno, it's different in each story mode," Shadow says.

_"Shadow, get the Emeralds NOW before the island blows up!" _Eggman's (hey, I finally got it right!) voice says from the walky-talky.

"Blows up? But I don't wanna die!" Sonic whines.

"Oh shit, I forgot the bat!" Shadow says as he runs off. "Seeya, Faker!"

"Who're you callin' faker, ripoff?!" Sonic asks.

* * *

The bomb is ticking down...

"GRAB UNTO ME, BAT-GIRL, SO MY WAS-TO-BE GIRLFRIEND WHO'S DEAD CAN FORGIVE ME FOR GROPING HER!" Shadow shouts as he runs towards the boobi- I mean, the bat.

"Wha-?"

"CHAOS CONTROL!"

And then the island blew up... how tragic... just kidding, they all made it off... at least... the main characters made it off...

* * *

***Yugioh Duel Monsters reference... For some reason, I can totally see Shadow in that show.**

**It took really long to update this one! But I finally did it! And no, I'm not lazy! I'm just CRazy. Big difference! Anyways, BYE!**


End file.
